Phil Gardner 2002-8
Indefinite Articles
Jail Babes - 14th March 2002
Young, free and single...? Well two out of three ain't bad. A look at the world of online dating for the incarcerated.
Life is a Cabaret - 20th March 2002
Marriage is a great institution, and it's time to welcome the institution's two newest admissions - Liza with a 'z', and David with a..... well, David with a Judy Garland collection actually.
The Easter Story - 31st March 2002

The Easter Story, as told via extracts from a recently discovered (and yet to be authenticated) new gospel.
Flora & Paula - 17th April 2002
The 2002 London Marathon - a day when beauty triumphed over the global threat of men in Womble suits.
The following is a selection of (supposedly) humorous articles written in the spring of 2002 as part of my bid to become a nationally recognised newspaper columnist. Like the London Olympics, it was a bid doomed to failure from the start...
Found some money in the street?
Why not make a donation!
This article also features in the Guest Writers section of 'Wasted Network'. It's the same piece but in a different font, so it's worth a look.
Satirical News - 8th January 2004
I wrote this for the 'Writer Online Satirical News Contest', which challenged writers to come up with a spoof headline, add approximately 200 words of copy, and thereby create a satirical news story.

Fortunately I'm not too modest to admit that I was awarded first place, along with a cash prize of $25. And people say it's hard to make a living from writing.
In February 2007 I started writing for The Kemptown Rag, a local magazine delivered every fortnight to more than 7,000 homes and businesses in the Kemp Town area of Brighton (some of whom actually read it).
Below are the articles of mine they've published.

Jaywalking With Geoff
(14th March 2008)

Brighton Rock Cakes
(15th February 2008)

Welcome Aboard Toxic Airlines
(21st December 2007)

Carry On Brighton
(7th December 2007)

Flaws and Caterwauls
(23rd November 2007)

Swimming With Endorphins
(28th September 2007)

Reign of Terra
(31st August 2007)

Can You Kick It?
(3rd August 2007)

I'm Not Phat
(20th July 2007)

Peddling Filth
(6th July 2007)

Leg Warmers Here & Now
(Publication Postponed)

Naked Ambition
(22nd June 2007)

Amazing Disgrace
(22nd June 2007)

Nuts in May
(25th May 2007)

Blazing a Trail
(27th April 2007)

That'll Be The Day
(30th March 2007)

Hove, Actually
(16th March 2007)

Landscape by Lamplight
(16th February 2007)
The Kemptown Rag
The Kemptown Rag
It's an Odious Freesheet!
Front Page Exclusive
The Argus revamped their website in July 2008 to give readers "clearer navigation and loads more content". Which basically meant deleting all thirty of my articles. I'm trying not to take it personally.
I'm currently in the process of adding them all to this site, but it could take me a while. Scroll down to see how far I've got.
The Argus
Welcome Aboard Toxic Airlines
Don't shop for it. Argus it.
Between July 2007 and March 2008, I wrote a total of thirty articles for the Brighton Argus. In the name of progress, those articles were deleted from the Argus website in July 2008. Fortunately there's no such thing as progress on this site...
Gone to the Dogs
(4th March 2008)

Chinese Takeaway
(11th February 2008)

In the Black
(14th January 2008)

Flash Photography
(10th December 2007)

Children in Need
(27th November 2007)

Feeling Blue
(25th October 2007)

One Night Stand
(10th October 2007)

Dude, Where's My Car?
(25th September 2007)

That Petrol Emotion
(10th September 2007)

Get Stuffed
(20th August 2007)

Of Rice and Men
(10th August 2007)

Centre of the Universe
(1st August 2007)

A Carnival Atmosphere
(25th July 2007)

High as a Kite
(11th July 2007)

A Right Royal Knees Up
(4th July 2007)
Weird Science
(26th February 2008)

Basket Cases
(28th January 2008)

Digitally Born Kids
(18th December 2007)

Utterly Brilliant
(3rd December 2007)

Death Warmed Up
(2nd November 2007)

The Order of the Phoenix
(15th October 2007)

Live and Kicking
(2nd October 2007)

Hard Cell
(17th September 2007)

Poster Paint
(4th September 2007)

Circus of Horrors
(15th August 2007)

Ultimate Showcase
(7th August 2007)

Going Through Stages
(27th July 2007)

Dog Day Afternoon
(16th July 2007)

Larkin About in the Park
(9th July 2007)

A Glowing Report
(3rd July 2007)