Phil Gardner 2004
Washington D.C. (Newswhyer Inc.) -- Government scientists today claimed to have successfully disproved the age-old theory that the pen is mightier than the sword. Dr Hal Predring told a press conference in Washington D.C. that in a six month study involving laboratory mice, the sword had been found to outperform the pen in almost every department. "Experiments with both ballpoint and fountain pens produced no more than mild irritation from the mice," said Dr Predring, "while the fumes from marker pens simply resulted in hallucinatory trips and increased cheese consumption." Demonstrating the prodding technique used by his team, the scientist continued, "Repeating these same experiments with swords produced dramatically different results. The mortality rate unexpectedly rose to 98%, while tests with a blunt cutlass rendered the mice squashed and confused for up to a week."

A spokesman for the US military stated "I believe these findings could have major implications for the future of modern warfare", before adding "Does anyone know if they have mice in Iraq?"

Dr Predring meanwhile, had little sympathy for those who once believed in the might of the pen. "I suspect" he said, "that this was never anything more than a myth perpetuated by writers with limited access to assault weapons."

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8th January 2004

by Phil Gardner