It was the wedding of the decade. Not this decade obviously. No wedding that lists Anita Dobson among its star guests could really be considered at the cutting edge of contemporary showbusiness. But still, when David Gest finally completed his collection of Judy Garland memorabilia by marrying Liza Minnelli at the weekend, one couldn't help feeling that in a bygone age, this night of a thousand face-lifts could have been a wedding worth being invited to.

If it wasn't for the fact that David Gest looks like a cross between Homer Simpson and a vampire, and that as time goes by, Liza Minnelli seems to be turning into Chuckie from the Child's Play films, then I might find it easier to take the occasion seriously. But as I watched the guests filing past the cameras, I couldn't shake the feeling that somewhere there was an early 80s TV movie missing its cast. I kept expecting Mr T to emerge from the church arm in arm with the kid from Diff'rent Strokes, and proclaim the wedding a complete success. But hey, who needed Mr T when we had A-list celebrities like David Hasselhoff and Martine McCutcheon instead.

It's interesting to note the stars who were invited, but who failed to turn up: the likes of Elton John, Michael Douglas, Catherine Zeta Jones and Liam Neeson. In a spooky coincidence, I can now reveal that I've attended a number of weddings myself where those very same celebrities also failed to show up. It would be easy to assume that the common denominator amongst those in the list above is that none of them need an appearance in OK! Magazine to boost their flagging careers. But I'm sure that would be an incorrect assumption. It's far more likely they just had work related commitments elsewhere, and despite their best efforts, couldn't get time off.

For me, the joy of the occasion was in the quotes from the wedding guests as they departed. Take Dionne Warwick for example. She said afterwards, "When the minister said 'I now pronounce you man and wife' - that was the best part". There speaks a woman who doesn't get invited to many weddings. I expect she goes to funerals and says "The best part was when the minister said 'Ashes to ashes, dust to dust' - I never saw that one coming". Alternatively, she could be revealing a hard bitten cynical side to her personality. After all, what more damning indictment could there be of a wedding which cost £2.4 million, than to proclaim that the best part was something you can get for fifty bucks at every drive-thru wedding chapel in Vegas. Heck, for an extra $20 you can probably get Elvis himself to say it to you. But either way, I'm warming to Ms Warwick. As someone who only attends weddings for the free food, I can understand her pleasure at hearing the last line of the ceremony.

Then there was the actress Sally Kirkland who painted a beautiful picture of the occasion by informing us that the wedding had been "romantic as hell". So that would be...... not very romantic at all then Sally. Unless Satan has a warm fluffy side I've previously been unaware of.

At the reception, Michael Jackson proved that he'd read the first rule of the best man's speech - 'Keep it brief' - but not the second rule - 'Try to get as far as a second sentence', when he wowed the audience with this magnificent oratory:

"I am a man of few words, but please raise your glasses to the bride and groom."

Never have the words "You know I'm bad, I'm bad, you know it" rung so true. His speech over, Jacko then promptly left, presumably fearful that if there was a lull in the proceedings, Liza might break out into her fiftieth rendition of 'Life is a Cabaret'. And let's face it, the man has suffered enough.

According to press reports, the happy couple have announced plans to adopt four children "of all races", as a wedding present to themselves. It's reassuring to know there are only four races in this world. Kinda makes one feel closer to one's fellow human beings. And as David said of his bride, "She is going to be the best mother in the world." No need for a social services inspection there then.

There's nothing like a story of true love to give you a warm fuzzy feeling inside. Apart from hard liquor that is. And interestingly, the two often go hand in hand. But I digress. I'd just like to end by wishing David, Liza, and their multi-racial children every success in the future. May you have a long and joyful life together, filled with neverending love and the constant happiness you so richly deserve.

There, did that sound convincing...?

20th March 2002

Life is a Cabaret
   
by Phil Gardner
©
   Phil Gardner 2002.