Down at the bottom of the garden, among the birds and the bees... de-de-de-de-de-de-de-dooo-dooooooo... (join in if you can)...

1. Choose your favourite record...

Captain Sensible - 'Happy Talk'  
John Lennon - 'Give Peace a Chance'  
Clive Dunn - 'Grandad'  
Renee and Renata - 'Save Your Love'  
Madonna - 'American Pie'  
Marilyn Manson - 'Rock is Dead'  
The Smiths - 'Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now'  
Robbie Williams & Nicole Kidman - 'Somethin' Stupid'  
Jason Donovan - 'Any Dream Will Do'  
Rod Stewart - 'Sailing'  
The Police - 'Every Breath You Take'  
Black Eyed Peas - 'Where is the Love?' 

2. Choose your favourite Oscar-winning film...

Schindler's List  
Forrest Gump  
Driving Miss Daisy  
Silence of the Lambs  
Midnight Cowboy  
Shakespeare in Love  
The French Connection  
Annie Hall  

3. You and a friend are walking down a footpath alongside a railway line. The sky is blue and the sun is shining. You've just finished a family sized packet of Maltesers, and your new hiking boots are surprisingly comfortable. All is well with the world. Up ahead, you see five people trapped on the railway line. From behind, you hear a train approaching. All five people face certain death unless you can somehow divert the train onto another track. Your friend is noticeably dense and has a low centre of gravity. You feel sure that upon impact with a fast-moving object, your friend's bulk would be enough to divert that object's course. And to be honest, you find them a bit annoying sometimes. Do you push your friend into the path of the oncoming train?

Yes, it is worth sacrificing one life to save five.  
No, friendship must be preserved at all costs.  
It depends. Does the friend have any more Maltesers?  
Who cares, the sun's shining, we'll probably all die of skin cancer anyway.  
No, it would be premeditated murder, and therefore illegal.  
Yes, worse things happen at sea.  
No, let the five people die. You can always push your friend off a cliff later.  
No, chocolate makes me sleepy - I'd rather have a nap.  
Yes, saving the lives of five people would result in positive karma.  
Ooooh, shiny, shiny shoes...  
I remember when all this was just fields.  
Yo, slap my bitch up.  

4. Your boyfriend (if you're a girl. Or gay. Otherwise girlfriend) has become a nervous wreck since he started day-trading stocks and shares on the internet. He appears to be developing a stress-related heart condition, and is becoming snappy. (Not Snap-Pea, the Poddington press photographer, but snappy, the old-fashioned adjective. I know, it's confusing). His successful trading has bought you a new pair of boots and a Gucci handbag, and he's promised you a trip to Bermuda if things continue, but you're worried about your boyfriend's health. Do you tell him to stop?

Yes, happiness is more important than money and possessions.  
I'd ask him to stop for the sake of his health. But TELLING him to stop would be rude.  
No, he'll feel better after a nice nap.  
Yes, give up those worldly goods and start a peace commune instead.  
How are we getting to Bermuda? By boat?  
Let him keep going til you have enough for a truckload of Curly-Wurlys.  
No, with any luck he'll drop dead from that heart condition, and all the money will be yours. 
Ooooh, shiny, shiny shoes...  
Yes, I wouldn't want to go to Bermuda anyway, it's too hot there.  
Yes, otherwise I could be an accessory to manslaughter.  
What's the internet?  
Word up, honky.  

5. You are pulling into a parking space outside your favourite supermarket when you hear the sickening scrape of metal upon metal. Lamenting the lack of women-only parking spaces a good three feet wider than standard, you jump out of your car and see a one hundred grand Rolls Royce with your little Skoda's red paint scraped across its newly dented door. You look around furtively and realise that no one has noticed. What do you do?

Reverse out of the parking space and try to ram the Rolls Royce properly this time.  
Check there's still no one looking, then smash the window and search the glove box for sweets.  
Go into the supermarket and request an announcement for the owner of the Rolls Royce to come forward so that you can exchange insurance details.  
As above, but also buy a bunch of flowers for the owner as an apology. Oh, and can we stop it with the sexist parking comments please?  
It's not sexist, everyone knows women can't park. Or reverse. Or find first gear.  
Can we get back to the quiz? I say drive on. I'm not losing my no-claims bonus for anyone.  
Abandon the two cars and choose a more environmentally-friendly mode of transport in future.  
Have another barleysugar and drive on at a steady 25mph as if nothing has happened.  
Call the police, report a road traffic accident, and request back-up.  
Call Admiral Insurance, and talk to the bloke with the parrot.  
Sleep on it and see how I feel in the morning.  
Yo, we be geese, homey.  

6. A group of pot-holers are reaching the end of a pleasant day... um... holing pots. Or whatever it is they do. As they make their way out of an underground cave, the leading holer, who by pure coincidence happens to be more than a pound or two overweight, becomes wedged in the narrow cave entrance. Having eaten a family sized packet of Maltesers he salvaged from the body of a dead friend on the railway track the previous day, the tubby pot-holer is stuck fast, and no amount of pushing or pulling will shift him. The underground cave happens to be on the coast, and at high tide will flood, drowning the entire group, with the exception of Mr Chunky, who is facing outwards with all the fresh air he requires. Fortunately the group have with them a stick of dynamite which would nestle neatly between Fatty's thighs, and clear the way for all. Should they use it?

Do I detect a slight anti-fat bias in this quiz?  
You can't punish someone for being calorifically challenged. And do we have to have quite so much death in these questions?  
If the cave floods, it means it's connected to the sea. They should hold their breath, swim out, and hail a passing trawler. Then start a new life on the high seas.  
No, they should call the emergency services on a mobile phone and await rescue.  
The survival of the group is of paramount importance. Say a prayer and light the fuse.  
No, better to be at one with nature, even if it means pushing up the seaweed in a watery grave.  
No, they should let the sound of the sea lull them into a restful sleep, and avoid loud bangs at all costs.
They should use the dynamite. With a bit of luck it'll bring down the roof of the cave and kill them all. They're pot-holers for goodness sake.  
Typical, no one ever gives ME Maltesers.  
No, they should attempt some impromptu liposuction with a couple of drinking straws and a dustbuster.  
Whassup punk. Grab him in the biscuits and doowutchalike.  
And another thing, what's with all these half-baked hip-hop references anyway?  

7. Lisa, a mild-mannered housewife in suburbia, hates her husband, and decides to put poison in his potato waffles, thereby killing him. Marie, an equally mild-mannered housewife with a Jaffa Cake obsession, also hates her husband and would like him dead. (Did I mention this is based on a true story?). (Ok, it's not. But I'm trying to sell the film rights if you're interested). One day, Marie accidentally picks up the wrong bottle and liberally sprinkles aardvark poison on her husband's bagels. By the time she realises her mistake, he's thrashing around on the floor like a girl. Fortunately Marie has the antidote, but... and here's the twist... she decides not to use it, and instead lets him die. Is Marie's act as bad as Lisa's?

Right, that's it, I'm not answering any more of these stoopid questions.  
I say they both get the chair.  
Lisa's crime is premeditated, and therefore first degree murder. Marie's is unplanned, and hence is a lesser crime.  
That's outrageous. What a waste of good bagels.  
Both acts are equally callous.  
Bloody women.  
What was the question again?  
This sounds like a recurring dream I had when I was 12.  
I think I need a joint.  
Do you have any plans to do a Captain Pugwash quiz?  
Gonna git you sucka! Shimmy shimmy ya!  
It's not big, it's not clever, and nobody's the slightest bit impressed.  

8. And finally... are you male or female?

I'm too fat to tell  
Don't be impertinent  
Pond life  
Evil genius  
Non gender specific  
What do you care?  
This is the full text of the quiz I wrote in March 2004. You can still take the quiz by clicking here, but sadly some of the text has been cut in the name of progress. So refer to the questions below before choosing your answers.
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   Phil Gardner 2004-09