Phil Gardner 2002.

August 2002 Keep On Keeping On     by Phil Gardner

This script is copyrighted and registered with ProtectRite. So don't steal it!

FADE IN: EXT - STREET - DAY A typical high street. CHARLIE and BEN, both young men in their 20s, walk along the street talking, passing shops as they go. We join them in mid conversation. CHARLIE ...so I said to her, if God can do anything, tell him to create a rock which is too heavy for him to lift. BEN And what did she say to that? CHARLIE Nothing, she just hit me on the head with her Bible. BEN It's your own fault. I don't know why you wanted to date a nun. CHARLIE I didn't know she was a nun, she told me she was in rehearsals for The Sound of Music. BEN That old line. CHARLIE I should've got suspicious when the only song she knew was the one about the lonely goatherd. But when a girl's yodelling at you in a restaurant, it's difficult to think straight. BEN Ain't it the truth. CHARLIE The penny dropped when my starter arrived and she insisted we say grace. BEN Thank God for spare ribs. CHARLIE She said a cow is in heaven just so I could have something to go with my chips, and I ought to be grateful. BEN It's all so black and white. CHARLIE Her beliefs? BEN No, her outfit. They reach the entrance to a bank and go inside. CUT TO: INT - BANK - CONTINUOUS A typical high street bank. There is little or no queue as Charlie and Ben enter. CHARLIE Of course, if I'd known they were her own clothes, I wouldn't have made the penguin comment. BEN You're only human. They walk up to the CASHIER, a young woman who is clearly dressed in the uniform of a fast food restaurant, complete with cardboard hat and name badge with three stars. Charlie produces a bank book from his pocket. CHARLIE (to the cashier) Hi, can I pay in these cheques please. CASHIER Certainly sir, would you like fries with that? CHARLIE No thanks. But give me some of those little bags for paying in coins, would you. My piggy bank's stuffed. CASHIER Regular or large? CHARLIE Regular. The cashier hands Charlie a small wad of money bags. CASHIER That's twenty regular to take away. Enjoy your meal. CHARLIE A pleasure doing business with you... He leans forward to read the cashier's name badge. CHARLIE (CONT'D) ... Kylie. And I'm sure it won't be long before you have that fourth star. CASHIER Crewmember of the month last month! CHARLIE Can't say I'm surprised. Keep on keeping on. They turn to leave, Ben picking up a serviette from a pile on the counter, wiping his mouth, then throwing it into a nearby bin. CUT TO: EXT - STREET - CONTINUOUS Charlie and Ben exit the bank and continue down the street. CHARLIE And let me tell you, she ordered second helpings of the lobster like she'd done it before. BEN She hasn't rejected worldly goods then. CHARLIE Just the cheap ones. BEN I like a nun who embraces capitalism. CHARLIE Turns out she has a small business breeding Sea Monkeys in a swimming pool in her back garden. BEN Really? CHARLIE Apparently by the fifth  generation they develop a tolerance to the chlorine. BEN So she believes in evolution? CHARLIE No, she said they're just quick learners. Once they see their parents dying from chlorine poisoning they make a  mental note not to be so stupid themselves. BEN It's amazing how intelligent some creatures can be, isn't it. CHARLIE Sea Monkeys? BEN No, nuns. They reach the entrance to a chemist shop, and go inside. CUT TO: INT - CHEMIST - CONTINUOUS A typical high street chemist. Charlie and Ben walk towards the pharmacy counter. CHARLIE She claimed it was all about setting them the right example. BEN Sea Monkey see, Sea Monkey do. They reach the counter, behind which stands the PHARMACIST, a young woman noticeably dressed in the smart uniform of a bank. CHARLIE Hi, do you sell those sugar-free lollipops that won't rot your teeth? PHARMACIST No. We've had a very low interest rate in those, so trading has been suspended. We've got caffeine chewing  gum, I think that's sugar free. CHARLIE Ok, give me some of that. I could use the lift. PHARMACIST (pointing) Or the stairs are right over there. She picks up a packet of gum, produces a rubber stamp from under the counter, and forcibly stamps the gum, before handing it to Charlie. Charlie gives the pharmacist a £5 note, which she adds to a small stack of others, moistens her finger on a sponge, and counts them efficiently, before placing a rubber band around them. She then hands Charlie his change. PHARMACIST (CONT'D) Would you like me to check your balance? CHARLIE Yeah, please. Charlie holds out his arms horizontally to the side. The pharmacist leans across the counter and prods Charlie in the chest. He wobbles, but remains standing. PHARMACIST That seems to be fine. You'll get a statement at the end of the month. CHARLIE Ok, thanks. Ben picks up a leaflet advertising bank loans from a stack on the counter, and begins to read it as they walk back towards the door. PHARMACIST (calling after them) And make sure you don't swallow that gum. It'll wrap around your kidneys and choke you from the inside. CHARLIE Whatever you say. Keep on keeping on. CUT TO: EXT - STREET - CONTINUOUS Charlie and Ben exit the chemist and continue down the street. CHARLIE But as I said to her, I don't want to go to heaven. BEN Why not? CHARLIE Full of Christians. BEN And cows. CHARLIE She tried to sprinkle me with holy water during the main course. Well it wasn't so much holy water as mineral  water. BEN Still or fizzy? CHARLIE Fizzy. She said the bubbles were a manifestation of the Holy Ghost. Then she threw the bottle at me. BEN It's a miracle you didn't walk out. CHARLIE That's what she said. She said God had worked wonders by bringing us together. I told her to pick up her bread and walk, but that didn't go down too well. BEN Too dry I expect. CHARLIE The bread? BEN No, your sense of humour. They reach the entrance to a fast food restaurant, and go inside. CUT TO: INT - FAST FOOD RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS A typical fast food burger joint. Charlie and Ben walk towards the counter. CHARLIE That's the trouble with nuns, once they take their vows they lose the ability to laugh at themselves. I was only  trying to help her in that regard. BEN Like a counsellor. CHARLIE A bit of therapy to improve her self image. With some laughing and pointing thrown in. They reach the counter, behind which stands an ASSISTANT, a middle aged woman dressed smartly in the white coat of a pharmacist. ASSISTANT What can I get you gentlemen? CHARLIE Just a diet coke please. ASSISTANT Regular? CHARLIE Yeah. ASSISTANT Good. Healthy bowels are so important. She scribbles something on a piece of paper. ASSISTANT (CONT'D) Right, that's one diet coke. You can pick it up about three thirty. She picks up a small plastic bottle of ketchup. ASSISTANT (CONT'D) Would sir like to test? CHARLIE Don't mind if I do. Charlie holds out one arm and the assistant squeezes ketchup onto his wrist. He rubs his wrists together, then sniffs one and licks off the ketchup. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Mmm... not bad at all. Thanks! They turn to go. Ben picks up a leaflet about family planning from the serviette dispenser, and begins to read it, as Charlie continues to lick his wrists. PHARMACIST Let me know if you have any side effects. CHARLIE Will do. PHARMACIST Keep on keeping on. Charlie and Ben stop, look at each other for a moment, then continue towards the door. CUT TO: EXT - STREET - CONTINUOUS Charlie and Ben exit the fast food restaurant and continue down the street. BEN So I take it you're not going to see her again. CHARLIE I told her it would be a cold day in hell. She said that could be arranged. BEN It's not what you know, it's who you know. CHARLIE And I want someone who knows who they are. BEN Did she ask you to call her Sister? CHARLIE I don't think she had one. She mentioned an older brother in Wales, but I don't have his number. Besides, I've  had it with religious types. No sense of humour. BEN Amen to that. CHARLIE You need the patience of a saint. BEN And God knows you've tried... Their conversation fades as they walk on. FADE OUT Back to Short Films Back to Home Page

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