A cry for help if ever I saw one.
I think I may have gone slightly over the top with that heading. And if your eyesight's less than perfect, you'll now be wondering who Mel is, and why you should wish to contact her. But if you want to get in touch with me instead, there are a number of ways...
The future of e-mail is here! No more typing, no more struggling to find the right words, simply choose an option from each of the drop-down menus to compose your message, enter your name and e-mail address (unless you prefer to abuse me anonymously), add a personal note if you wish, and click on the button to send it to me.
   Phil Gardner 2003-11
Relive a bygone age and write me a letter! I know, it's an outrageous idea isn't it. But it might just work. Do remember though that if you're sending cash through the post, it's best to use recorded delivery. Alternatively, lavish gifts can be sent by parcel carrier. Here's my address...
Be sure to launch in an southerly direction with a following north wind. Aim for the Royal Sussex County Hospital - my chimney is a hundred yards north.
The postal service formally known as Consignia.
At a push, you could probably send a sparrow.
The Phil-Mail-o-Matic 3000. Hurrah!
Please note that due to strict health and safety regulations
I am no longer able to accept gifts of used panties.
If you wouldn't prefer that I refrain from not refusing to sell your e-mail address to carefully selected third party companies who will spam you mercilessly, please don't forget not to uncheck this box.
Nobody respects the spammish imposition!
Sadly, owing to the increasing threat of stalkers and slashers, and my willingness to upset regression therapists and weather fans on a regular basis, I have reluctantly found it necessary to remove my address from this website. But hey, if you want to know where I live, send me an e-mail with some kind of elaborate cover story, and no doubt I'll be gullible enough to send it straight out.
Alternatively, you could just e-mail me at this address...