Phil Gardner 2003.

April 2003 Bingo at Three     by Phil Gardner

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FADE IN: INT - KITCHEN - DAY A typical kitchen. In the center is a table, around which are seated MIKEY, WILL, SCOTT and CATHY, all kids in their mid to late teens. The curtains are closed. On the table sits a ouija board with an upturned glass. MIKEY Ok, are we all set? Anyone have any questions before we start? Scott raises his hand. MIKEY (CONT'D) Scott? SCOTT Can I go to the bathroom? MIKEY No. CATHY I have many questions. Chief amongst them being why the heck did I agree to this? WILL One word - alcohol. CATHY I mean, it's the middle of the afternoon for god's sake. She reaches behind her and pulls the curtain open. Sunlight floods in. CATHY (CONT'D) You can't contact the spirit world on a sunny day, it's just wrong. MIKEY We have to do it now, my Mom will be home later. Now close that curtain, you're letting all the dark escape. CATHY I worry about you sometimes. She closes the curtains. SCOTT Shouldn't we light a candle or something? MIKEY Fire regs. We're not insured. Now if everyone will just place one finger on top of the glass, we can get started. They all reach towards the glass. Cathy gets there first, picks it up and examines it. It's a novelty glass with a design on the side. CATHY "I heart Goofy". What, are we contacting the ghost of Walt Disney here? SCOTT Walt's not dead, he's cryogenically frozen. MIKEY That is not cool, Scott. WILL It is. It's freakin' freezing. MIKEY Will everyone have some goddamn respect here. This is not some kind of joke. The ouija board is an ancient and mystical artifact. CATHY So where did you get it? MIKEY Wal-Mart. Cathy puts the glass back on the ouija board. CATHY Remind me again why I'm here? WILL You're the token female in this venture. MIKEY Your role here is crucial. We're contacting dark forces. It's a dangerous game, anything could happen. WILL And in a crisis, what we're really gonna need is breasts. CATHY Right, that's it, I'm leaving. She starts to get up. MIKEY Scott, the refrigerator! Scott, seated near the refrigerator, jumps up. CATHY What? MIKEY You may think the positioning of Scott near the refrigerator is merely a random act of seating. In fact everything has been planned down to the finest detail. CATHY You're talking as though I care. MIKEY That fridge contains ten, count them, ten chocolate bars. One word from me, and Scott will bring you down with candy before you get within six feet of that door. CATHY You have chocolate..? MIKEY I do. And I'm not afraid to use it. CATHY Ok. I'll stay. For now. She sits back down. Scott follows suit. WILL (to Mikey) You evil genius you. MIKEY Now come on, we don't have all day. Everyone give me the finger. The camera stays on Mikey. He looks at the others. MIKEY (CONT'D) You KNOW that's not what I meant. CATHY You should be more specific. MIKEY Fingers, glass, now! They each place one finger on top of the upturned glass. MIKEY (CONT'D) Now remember, don't push the glass. Let it go wherever the spirits so desire. CATHY Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just get on with it. Mikey takes a few deep breaths, before speaking in a loud dramatic voice. MIKEY Is there anybody there? After a pause, the glass moves an inch. CATHY Oh my god... MIKEY Is there anybody there? The glass moves slowly across the board and settles on 'No'. MIKEY (CONT'D) No?? They all take their fingers off the glass. WILL I think your board has a design fault. MIKEY Ok, ok, slight technical hitch, that's all. Let's try again. He replaces the glass in the center of the board. SCOTT I think we should contact Elvis. WILL We can only contact dead people. SCOTT Oh yeah. How about Gerald Ford? WILL Works for me. CATHY Right, that's it, I'm leaving. MIKEY Sit down. Scott, put a chocolate bar in the air conditioning - we need her to pick up the scent. Scott gets up and opens the refrigerator. CATHY I'm not an animal you know. She sniffs the air. CATHY (CONT'D) Hey... is that real Belgian? MIKEY Stick around and it's yours. Scott rejoins the group. SCOTT Can I go to the bathroom? MIKEY No. Now come on, places everyone, the dead won't wait forever. WILL True, they have bingo at three. They each place a finger back on the glass. MIKEY Is there anybody there? The table begins to shake. Scott is sitting with his free hand hidden from view. WILL Hey Scott, I hope you're not doing what I think you're doing under that table. Scott holds up his free hand. The table continues to shake. WILL (CONT'D) Now that takes talent. The shuddering increases. Suddenly Mikey is caught in a beam of white light, and a booming echoey VOICE rings out. VOICE I am the judge of darkness. Your life is in the balance. You have sinned against the world and its people. Stolen from the needy, betrayed your allies, and committed unspeakable acts with hamsters. No longer will this be tolerated. Heed my words and change now, or face the consequences. Judgement is upon you Joseph Pupkin. MIKEY My name's Mikey. The voice loses its echo and gravitas. VOICE Oh sorry, wrong seance. The beam of light disappears and the table stops shaking. MIKEY That was a close call. CATHY Yeah. WILL Still, he's right, you really should stop with those hamsters. GEORGE They deserve all they get, wriggly little critters. Everyone turns to see where the voice is coming from. GEORGE, a man dressed in a loud Hawaiian shirt, is standing in the corner of the room. MIKEY What the? Where did you come from? GEORGE A quiet neighborhood in the 'burbs of heaven. SCOTT You're a ghost?? GEORGE Give that man a coconut. You could say I'm a spirit, yes. CATHY Chocolate. Now. And fast. MIKEY Cool. Do we get three wishes? GEORGE Do I look like a genie? MIKEY You don't look like Patrick Swayze, but you say you're a ghost. GEORGE A spirit. MIKEY What's the difference? WILL Twenty percent more alcohol. GEORGE The differences are subtle, but for tax purposes I'm a spirit. George wanders over to the refrigerator, opens it, and casually takes out a chocolate bar. MIKEY Ok, so we don't get three wishes. What DO we get? GEORGE Oh what the heck, I'm feeling generous. You can have a question. Just one though, so use it wisely. George starts eating the chocolate. MIKEY We can ask anything we like? WILL Oh yeah, like he's really gonna know the answer. GEORGE (to Will) I know more than you could ever imagine. I know what you keep in that old shoe box you have hidden at the back of your sock drawer for a start. MIKEY Oh really..? WILL Study notes. GEORGE You shouldn't study so hard, you'll go blind. CATHY I have a question. GEORGE I know. And the answer is yes. Here you go. George breaks off a piece of chocolate and tosses it to Cathy. MIKEY You can read minds too? GEORGE No, but when you've run your fingers through the hair of a thousand beautiful women, you learn to pick up on these things. MIKEY You've slept with a thousand women? GEORGE No, I was a hairdresser. WILL That figures. GEORGE Now get on with this question, I don't have all day. There's an all you can eat buffet at the Pearly Gates Pizzeria in half an hour. MIKEY Right, a question... ok... we need to consider this very carefully... SCOTT (to George) What's the capital of Iceland? GEORGE Reykjavik. SCOTT Cool. He knows his stuff. MIKEY Dammit Scott, that is not cool. WILL Iceland? It is, it's freakin' freezing. CATHY Am I the only one getting a sense of deja vu here? WILL I could've sworn you said that before. GEORGE Right, that's it, I'm leaving. CATHY Hey, that's MY line! SCOTT Can I go to the bathroom? MIKEY For god's sake, will everyone shut the hell up. Can we have another question? GEORGE Nope, that's your lot. MIKEY How about showing us what the world would've been like if we'd never been born? GEORGE Believe me, it would be no different. MIKEY Well at least give us some haircare tips before you go. WILL We contacted the dead for hair advice?? GEORGE Ok, now you're talking. Always trim regularly to prevent split ends. WILL That was a tip? CATHY Cool. So how did you die anyway? GEORGE I was killed in a freak hairdressing accident. WILL A hairdressing accident involving freaks? GEORGE No. WILL Sorry, I just saw your shirt and assumed. GEORGE I tripped over some curling tongs and hung myself with the flex from an industrial crimper. CATHY God, what a tragic waste of human life. GEORGE The tongs were Ronaldo's. I always suspected foul play. That man never liked me. CATHY Why? WILL Not gay enough? GEORGE You have some serious homophobia issues, buddy. WILL I'm not Homerphobic. I love the Simpsons. SCOTT Doh! George snaps his fingers. Will's hairstyle immediately changes to a curly blonde do. CATHY Oooh nice! WILL What? SCOTT What's it like on the good ship lollipop, my man? WILL Eh? George snaps his fingers again. Will's hair changes to a black affro. MIKEY Hey, how's it hangin' homeboy? WILL What? CATHY You da bomb! WILL Am I the only one left with any sense of dignity here? GEORGE Clearly you are. Well my work here is done. MIKEY Aren't you going to reveal some great secret to us before you leave? GEORGE You've already done that yourselves. Only virgins can see spirits. Methinks we have ourselves a bunch of cherries here. WILL Who said that? I don't see a thing. MIKEY Too late buddy. WILL He's lying anyway. There's no way SHE'S a virgin. CATHY Oh really? WILL A thousand bits of graffiti on a thousand bathroom walls can't be wrong. CATHY (to George) Can I borrow your fingers? Cathy grabs George's hand. George snaps his fingers and Will is instantly bald. He sees everyone looking at him. WILL What? The table begins to shake again. Will looks at Scott, whose hands are hidden from view. WILL (CONT'D) Twice in five minutes Scott? Where do you get your stamina? GEORGE There's a presence approaching. I think it's time to leave. MIKEY Oh my god, it's not the hamster judge again is it? GEORGE No. More powerful... The table begins to shake even more. WILL Well there's certainly SOMEONE coming, eh Scott? SCOTT Go polish your head, baldy. The table continues to shudder, then the handle of the kitchen door begins to shake. As they all watch, the door slowly creaks open, casting an ever widening shaft of light across the floor. The shaking reaches a climax and stops abruptly. The door swings open tamely revealing Mikey's MOM, who is standing in the doorway. MIKEY Mom! MOM What's going on? She looks at George. MOM (CONT'D) (to Mikey) Who's your new friend? WILL (to Mikey) I guess that means you're adopted. CATHY Right, that's it, I'm leaving. SCOTT Can I go to the bathroom? George snaps his fingers. The others look at Will, who is now sporting a huge Mohawk. WILL What? FADE OUT Back to Short Films Back to Home Page